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falling down all these quadrants
Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you think you might finally understand TROLL ROMANCE.
When you first arrived in the Veil, Karkat had to explain it about eighty-bajillion times. He got madder and madder the first seventy-bajillion, but after that, he just started sounding like Ben Stein.
He's not as loud in person as you expected him to be. Sure, he yells a lot, but he also talks at normal volume, sometimes. You can even catch him speaking in low, secretive tones with Terezi from time to time. Sometimes you catch yourself wishing he'd talk to you like that; his voice is really nice, when he's not screaming.
But then you remember Vriska, and her voice is nice, too, a sort of dramatic drawl, even when she's quiet. Sometimes, though, when she's sad or scared, all the theatrics just fall away and she talks like she's very, very small. Then you want to wrap her up (she protests; you're stronger than you look, but you know she could still break free if she wanted, and she doesn't) and kiss her face until she stops looking sad.
This flushed thing with Vriska happened sort of fast — you arrived in the Veil and spent a few days flirting with her (she said you were flirting, anyway; you don't remember anything like that, but she's probably right, and Dave says you're an idiot whenever you bring it up, which pretty much cinches it), and the next thing you knew, you were having a hands-on lesson in alien anatomy and how to breathe while kissing. One of those things was harder to learn than the other, and it wasn't the one you expected. Vriska still berates you when you have to stop kissing to gasp for breath.
But she's happy, and you're happy, because you're dating a girl whose ladyjuices taste like blue Gushers, and is there anything not to be happy about?
When you talk to Rose about it, though, she seems a little displeased. She thinks Vriska might hurt you, and you realize from the way Dave watches the two of you so closely that she's not the only one. They're stupid, though. Vriska loves you.
Still, you understand that Rose is just trying to be the best moirail she can be, so you take her advice and keep an eye on Vriska's other activities.
She and Eridan are pretty black, which you guess doesn't surprise anyone else. She's still a little fixated on Tavros, but he doesn't seem to reciprocate. Either way, it doesn't look like she's stepping out of the quadrant. You're happy, and she's happy, and seriously, the sex is basically awesome.
It's even more awesome than the almost-as-awesome not-sex you're accidentally having with Terezi. She's not as antagonistic as her matesprit, but she's pretty mean to you, and it keeps her and Vriska at odds. Of course, you take it like a champ (because it's not like she's even the worst troll here; Eridan's a total bag of dicks), but you've been getting annoyed lately, and the sexual tension is getting worse. You even noticed it on your own once (without Karkat angrily pointing it out, or Vriska sneeringly pointing it out, or Terezi teasingly pointing it out, or even Dave laughingly pointing it out), which means it's pretty much like the E at the top of the eye chart: if you can't see this shit, you're clinically blind.
Karkat fusses at you (that's really the only word for it, 'fussing,' but he fusses some more whenever you use it) every time you and Terezi go around in the halls. You asked him once what he was so sore about, since you and Terezi were obviously not red, and he turned a lovely shade of red, himself, and stormed off. You counted fourteen 'fuck's in his flounce statement.
And as if that weren't enough irons in the fire, you're pretty sure you could be flushed for Rose. You were quick to snap up an auspice for the situation, though — Kanaya was ready and waiting, and to be honest, you won't be too surprised if that auspistice falls apart when Kanaya and Rose become flushed for each other. Lesbians are so cute.
One afternoon, as you're talking to Karkat over the strange but witty dialogue of a troll romcom, he actually looks away from the screen to stare at you.
"What?" you ask, caught a little off-guard. His eyes are like angry yellow saucers.
"You — Jesus Christ, Egbert! How the fuck did you even do that?!"
"Do what?!" You're a little panicked. The last time someone asked you this, it was Vriska, and you had your face between her legs, and you seriously thought you'd done something really, really wrong (which is always a distinct possibility where interspecies sex is concerned).
He sits up straighter, which he does when he's indignant. "You actually have all four fucking quadrants filled?"
Huh. You guess you do. Well, you will when you get your hands on Terezi next. Yesterday's run-in with her was pretty brutal. She had a lollipop, and you were pretty much left with the impression that she wanted to put a steel trap on your dick. When you talked to Rose about it, she told you (a little too solemnly, not that you noticed) that you had to get the jump on the fiery little alien girl, or you'd be sorry.
"I guess Terezi and I aren't officially caliginous," you chuckle, and watch him bristle. He punches you in the arm, and you laugh again. "But yeah, I pretty much do. Don't you?"
You try to somber up your face for maximum innocent effect when you ask that, but you end up grinning, anyway, and Karkat opens a six-minute tirade about how you're a nooklicker and your tongue is blue again, and human sex is really sick.
When he stops for breath, you ask him how he'd know anything about human sex, and watch him turn red again. You were expecting another rant, but he just goes quiet and fidgets, so you grin wide and lean in.
"Kaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaat," you sing-song, mimicking your matesprit out of habit, "Are you having sick human sex with one of my friends?"
"Look, she started it," he says defensively, turning his attention back to the screen. "And we're not having sick human sex, we're having perfectly normal troll sex, because I won't stoop to your uncivilized fucking levels."
"Rose or Jade?" you ask, but you know the answer. Rose wouldn't touch Karkat with a ten-foot wand, and Jade and Karkat are pretty much prime candidates for blackrom. "Nevermind. Jade's pretty cute, right?"
"Fuck! Isn't she like your fucking slimesister or some shit, Egbert?!"
"I didn't say I wanted to have sex with her!" Now you're defensive. Your voice is doing that screechy thing that Karkat's does all the time. "I said she's cute!"
"She's fucking obnoxious," he snaps, and you take that to mean that they're probably pretty happy together. You lean against him and grin.
Troll romance is totally not that complicated.
When you first arrived in the Veil, Karkat had to explain it about eighty-bajillion times. He got madder and madder the first seventy-bajillion, but after that, he just started sounding like Ben Stein.
He's not as loud in person as you expected him to be. Sure, he yells a lot, but he also talks at normal volume, sometimes. You can even catch him speaking in low, secretive tones with Terezi from time to time. Sometimes you catch yourself wishing he'd talk to you like that; his voice is really nice, when he's not screaming.
But then you remember Vriska, and her voice is nice, too, a sort of dramatic drawl, even when she's quiet. Sometimes, though, when she's sad or scared, all the theatrics just fall away and she talks like she's very, very small. Then you want to wrap her up (she protests; you're stronger than you look, but you know she could still break free if she wanted, and she doesn't) and kiss her face until she stops looking sad.
This flushed thing with Vriska happened sort of fast — you arrived in the Veil and spent a few days flirting with her (she said you were flirting, anyway; you don't remember anything like that, but she's probably right, and Dave says you're an idiot whenever you bring it up, which pretty much cinches it), and the next thing you knew, you were having a hands-on lesson in alien anatomy and how to breathe while kissing. One of those things was harder to learn than the other, and it wasn't the one you expected. Vriska still berates you when you have to stop kissing to gasp for breath.
But she's happy, and you're happy, because you're dating a girl whose ladyjuices taste like blue Gushers, and is there anything not to be happy about?
When you talk to Rose about it, though, she seems a little displeased. She thinks Vriska might hurt you, and you realize from the way Dave watches the two of you so closely that she's not the only one. They're stupid, though. Vriska loves you.
Still, you understand that Rose is just trying to be the best moirail she can be, so you take her advice and keep an eye on Vriska's other activities.
She and Eridan are pretty black, which you guess doesn't surprise anyone else. She's still a little fixated on Tavros, but he doesn't seem to reciprocate. Either way, it doesn't look like she's stepping out of the quadrant. You're happy, and she's happy, and seriously, the sex is basically awesome.
It's even more awesome than the almost-as-awesome not-sex you're accidentally having with Terezi. She's not as antagonistic as her matesprit, but she's pretty mean to you, and it keeps her and Vriska at odds. Of course, you take it like a champ (because it's not like she's even the worst troll here; Eridan's a total bag of dicks), but you've been getting annoyed lately, and the sexual tension is getting worse. You even noticed it on your own once (without Karkat angrily pointing it out, or Vriska sneeringly pointing it out, or Terezi teasingly pointing it out, or even Dave laughingly pointing it out), which means it's pretty much like the E at the top of the eye chart: if you can't see this shit, you're clinically blind.
Karkat fusses at you (that's really the only word for it, 'fussing,' but he fusses some more whenever you use it) every time you and Terezi go around in the halls. You asked him once what he was so sore about, since you and Terezi were obviously not red, and he turned a lovely shade of red, himself, and stormed off. You counted fourteen 'fuck's in his flounce statement.
And as if that weren't enough irons in the fire, you're pretty sure you could be flushed for Rose. You were quick to snap up an auspice for the situation, though — Kanaya was ready and waiting, and to be honest, you won't be too surprised if that auspistice falls apart when Kanaya and Rose become flushed for each other. Lesbians are so cute.
One afternoon, as you're talking to Karkat over the strange but witty dialogue of a troll romcom, he actually looks away from the screen to stare at you.
"What?" you ask, caught a little off-guard. His eyes are like angry yellow saucers.
"You — Jesus Christ, Egbert! How the fuck did you even do that?!"
"Do what?!" You're a little panicked. The last time someone asked you this, it was Vriska, and you had your face between her legs, and you seriously thought you'd done something really, really wrong (which is always a distinct possibility where interspecies sex is concerned).
He sits up straighter, which he does when he's indignant. "You actually have all four fucking quadrants filled?"
Huh. You guess you do. Well, you will when you get your hands on Terezi next. Yesterday's run-in with her was pretty brutal. She had a lollipop, and you were pretty much left with the impression that she wanted to put a steel trap on your dick. When you talked to Rose about it, she told you (a little too solemnly, not that you noticed) that you had to get the jump on the fiery little alien girl, or you'd be sorry.
"I guess Terezi and I aren't officially caliginous," you chuckle, and watch him bristle. He punches you in the arm, and you laugh again. "But yeah, I pretty much do. Don't you?"
You try to somber up your face for maximum innocent effect when you ask that, but you end up grinning, anyway, and Karkat opens a six-minute tirade about how you're a nooklicker and your tongue is blue again, and human sex is really sick.
When he stops for breath, you ask him how he'd know anything about human sex, and watch him turn red again. You were expecting another rant, but he just goes quiet and fidgets, so you grin wide and lean in.
"Kaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaat," you sing-song, mimicking your matesprit out of habit, "Are you having sick human sex with one of my friends?"
"Look, she started it," he says defensively, turning his attention back to the screen. "And we're not having sick human sex, we're having perfectly normal troll sex, because I won't stoop to your uncivilized fucking levels."
"Rose or Jade?" you ask, but you know the answer. Rose wouldn't touch Karkat with a ten-foot wand, and Jade and Karkat are pretty much prime candidates for blackrom. "Nevermind. Jade's pretty cute, right?"
"Fuck! Isn't she like your fucking slimesister or some shit, Egbert?!"
"I didn't say I wanted to have sex with her!" Now you're defensive. Your voice is doing that screechy thing that Karkat's does all the time. "I said she's cute!"
"She's fucking obnoxious," he snaps, and you take that to mean that they're probably pretty happy together. You lean against him and grin.
Troll romance is totally not that complicated.